Broken People

Hurting people hurt people. Relationships are risky. There are no guarantees, and you can only change yourself. What do you do when you find yourself in an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship?

Healthy relationships are hard to come by. However, they do exist. Usually it takes a healthy person to expose an unhealthy one. This has happened to me on many occasions. I didn't know that it was possible for a Christian to live a joyful and victorious life...until I met some who were. I didn't know that marriage didn't have to be miserable...until I met people who weren't. I didn't know parents could raise their children with such love and discipline and training that they never had to endure "those difficult years"...until I met parents who did.

I noticed that these people were able to be Life Givers because they were whole...healthy. Not perfect...just healthy. It gave me vision and hope that when a situation/something wasn't right, IT DIDN'T/DOESN'T have to be that way! It gave me HOPE that the situation could change! The deciding factor was me. Would I be willing to change? Would I be willing to make the difficult shift in the right direction? Sadly, there have been times along the way that I was not willing to do what needed to be done. Sometimes further down the road, I changed my mind and moved forward--other times I decided to stay stuck.

Some of these decisions I did not make alone. Several years ago TJ and I decided that I would stop working to be home with the children. A big decision, and a big shift. A big price to pay. Years later, we can see how that shift has benefited our family. Some of the shifts and decisions only affected us, sometimes they affected others. There are many more examples...but I'll leave those alone for now.

So, here I am on this journey. I want to be whole. I want to be life-giving to those around me...but I find myself still broken. So I search. It's not hard to find the leaks. This time, these leaks are from other broken people with jagged edges...just like me. What to do?

I don't know. I do know, though, that nobody has ever gotten healthy by surrounding themselves with unhealthy people. Removing yourself, though, is not enough. A process of detoxification needs to occur. The lies have to be traded in for the truth.

An example of this for me is being overweight. I have all the tools I need to be at a healthy weight: I know the right things to eat, I make healthy food, I am willing to exercise to the extreme...but yet I still find myself sabotaging all my efforts. I don't want to...but I do. So when I begin to ask myself why I do that, it's hard to get an honest answer from myself. But I do know this...somewhere I have believed the lie that I'm not valuable. I know that my outside condition is a reflection of the inside of me. A fat person doesn't feel valuable, or loved--especially loved unconditionally because WE KNOW there are conditions to love.

The result is double-mindedness. On one side, I know I am very valuable. I have a strong sense of worth given to me by my Creator and the relationship I have with Him. On the other side, I have a strong imprint that I am the unlovable one, the non-chosen one, the unfavored one, the difficult one, the annoying one, the irritating one, the one people dislike to be around. Being double-minded is not healthy--I have to pick a side. Which one should it be?

Several months ago, I read the following except from one of the Biggest Loser trainers. I thought it to be interesting.

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Jillian Michaels
April 11, 2011

Unlimited Tip - The psychological, spiritual landscape of forgiveness is a tough one to navigate, but it’s a journey that yields powerful, permanent results. It enables us to stop taking on other people’s issues & allowing their shortcomings to define who we are. In other words, you'll understand that what happened to you wasn’t because of your limitations, but the other person’s. Additionally, by learning to let go we gain complete freedom from the negativity we allow to fester when we hold onto grudges and wounds from the past. The energy we use up being angry, or fighting with people, hating people or otherwise feeling wronged, drains us physically & emotionally. When we open ourselves up & embrace forgiveness, we release ourselves from victimhood. We then can find psychological healing from past wounds & our lives can then take on new, positive meaning. By putting those old hurts in a context that helps us grow, rather than holds us back, we become unstoppable.

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Beginning now I am stepping aside to examine my relationships with those around me. I will also be learning what healthy relationships are, what they look like, how they function, and then I will be applying what I have learned to those I am connected with...first to my kids and husband, then to friends and extended family as appropriate.

My husband and kids are the first people to suffer from my brokenness. It's for them that I choose to learn NOW how to have a healthy relationship with each one of them, so that I never lose sight of the prize. Everyone after that, well...I don't know what to say. One of two things will happen...either I will be so healthy, that I can return to the relationship with confidence...or I will be so thankful to be free from the bondage, that I never want to return again.