Broken People

Hurting people hurt people. Relationships are risky. There are no guarantees, and you can only change yourself. What do you do when you find yourself in an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship?

Healthy relationships are hard to come by. However, they do exist. Usually it takes a healthy person to expose an unhealthy one. This has happened to me on many occasions. I didn't know that it was possible for a Christian to live a joyful and victorious life...until I met some who were. I didn't know that marriage didn't have to be miserable...until I met people who weren't. I didn't know parents could raise their children with such love and discipline and training that they never had to endure "those difficult years"...until I met parents who did.

I noticed that these people were able to be Life Givers because they were whole...healthy. Not perfect...just healthy. It gave me vision and hope that when a situation/something wasn't right, IT DIDN'T/DOESN'T have to be that way! It gave me HOPE that the situation could change! The deciding factor was me. Would I be willing to change? Would I be willing to make the difficult shift in the right direction? Sadly, there have been times along the way that I was not willing to do what needed to be done. Sometimes further down the road, I changed my mind and moved forward--other times I decided to stay stuck.

Some of these decisions I did not make alone. Several years ago TJ and I decided that I would stop working to be home with the children. A big decision, and a big shift. A big price to pay. Years later, we can see how that shift has benefited our family. Some of the shifts and decisions only affected us, sometimes they affected others. There are many more examples...but I'll leave those alone for now.

So, here I am on this journey. I want to be whole. I want to be life-giving to those around me...but I find myself still broken. So I search. It's not hard to find the leaks. This time, these leaks are from other broken people with jagged edges...just like me. What to do?

I don't know. I do know, though, that nobody has ever gotten healthy by surrounding themselves with unhealthy people. Removing yourself, though, is not enough. A process of detoxification needs to occur. The lies have to be traded in for the truth.

An example of this for me is being overweight. I have all the tools I need to be at a healthy weight: I know the right things to eat, I make healthy food, I am willing to exercise to the extreme...but yet I still find myself sabotaging all my efforts. I don't want to...but I do. So when I begin to ask myself why I do that, it's hard to get an honest answer from myself. But I do know this...somewhere I have believed the lie that I'm not valuable. I know that my outside condition is a reflection of the inside of me. A fat person doesn't feel valuable, or loved--especially loved unconditionally because WE KNOW there are conditions to love.

The result is double-mindedness. On one side, I know I am very valuable. I have a strong sense of worth given to me by my Creator and the relationship I have with Him. On the other side, I have a strong imprint that I am the unlovable one, the non-chosen one, the unfavored one, the difficult one, the annoying one, the irritating one, the one people dislike to be around. Being double-minded is not healthy--I have to pick a side. Which one should it be?

Several months ago, I read the following except from one of the Biggest Loser trainers. I thought it to be interesting.

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Jillian Michaels
April 11, 2011

Unlimited Tip - The psychological, spiritual landscape of forgiveness is a tough one to navigate, but it’s a journey that yields powerful, permanent results. It enables us to stop taking on other people’s issues & allowing their shortcomings to define who we are. In other words, you'll understand that what happened to you wasn’t because of your limitations, but the other person’s. Additionally, by learning to let go we gain complete freedom from the negativity we allow to fester when we hold onto grudges and wounds from the past. The energy we use up being angry, or fighting with people, hating people or otherwise feeling wronged, drains us physically & emotionally. When we open ourselves up & embrace forgiveness, we release ourselves from victimhood. We then can find psychological healing from past wounds & our lives can then take on new, positive meaning. By putting those old hurts in a context that helps us grow, rather than holds us back, we become unstoppable.

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Beginning now I am stepping aside to examine my relationships with those around me. I will also be learning what healthy relationships are, what they look like, how they function, and then I will be applying what I have learned to those I am connected with...first to my kids and husband, then to friends and extended family as appropriate.

My husband and kids are the first people to suffer from my brokenness. It's for them that I choose to learn NOW how to have a healthy relationship with each one of them, so that I never lose sight of the prize. Everyone after that, well...I don't know what to say. One of two things will happen...either I will be so healthy, that I can return to the relationship with confidence...or I will be so thankful to be free from the bondage, that I never want to return again. 

Chickenless Soup

A few months ago, I was laughed at by my sister Betsy. Being laughed at wasn't my issue...I'm used to that! My issue was the REASON she was laughing at me. In fact, it had never occurred to me that "this" could ever be an issue. What's the "this" all about? Well, it's about chicken, or more accurately, the lack of.

I love from-scratch, home-made, chicken noodle soup. I start with boiling the whole chicken. After it's cooked, I remove the chicken and let the broth cool. I then strain the broth to remove any chunks and fat. Then I turn up the heat again on the stove and begin adding the finely chopped vegetables--onions, carrots, and celery. Next I season with REAL salt, fresh ground pepper, and 1-2 teaspoons of lemon juice. Finally, after all the vegetables are tender and the flavors are blended, I add the noodles.

So what's the laughing matter??? Well, apparently, it's HAALARIOUS that I do NOT add back any of the meat. Frankly, I believe the stringy meet ruins the good soup, and I also would prefer using the meat to make chicken salad instead. Why waste perfectly good meet when you can get a whole other meal out of it? Is this truly worth being laughed at? I don't think so.

Tonight I made my chickenless soup, and it was a raving hit! So there...laugh all you want. I'm still keeping the chicken meat out of it!!!

Marathon Day

Today...I was supposed to run my first marathon, but I didn't. I began the actual training in January with the hopes of being able to run the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon May 1st. I was doing pretty good, and then I started having shin splint issues. It was a month before I could start training again. By this time, I discovered barefoot running. True barefoot running is awesome, but it's not something that you can just "step into" right away. At this point, I had worked my way up to 12 miles, but now after the leg issue and also starting with a new running technique, I was back at 1-3 miles. It took me another month to catch back up to 11 miles again, which I did 3 times before the half marathon race in Arkansas a month ago. That still left me 13 miles that I hadn't really trained for yet...and only 4 weeks (really only 3 training weeks) left until the marathon.

I decided at one point, that I would do the race no matter what--even if I couldn't run all of it. As the days and weeks passed by, I was beginning to realize that there was a chance that I actually might not get to do the race after all. It was a sad thought...but one that I was having to face.

Race week finally shows up, and it's official: I'm not running. I was pretty bummed. I decided that I would still participate and still cheer for other runners. One of the local running stores hosted a marathon watch party at mile 20, so I decided that's what I would do.

I got up early Saturday morning, and headed out the door...in the rain. WHAT??? BACK UP!!! It was pouring rain!!! I couldn't believe it. Not only was it raining, it was cold!. I ran back in the house and grabbed a blanket. I drove to mile 20, and nobody else was there yet. I caught the race route and started driving along it. I didn't see any racers yet. Finally, I started seeing some people, so I headed back to mile 20. By that time, one of the store employees had arrived. Then the owner and his wife showed up. It was still raining pretty heavily, and I didn't have an operational umbrella (thanks, Aliya and Kiahna). The store owners had a u-haul trailer that they backed up to the street, then we climbed up inside, and waited for the racers to pass by.

A little after 8:00am we started seeing runners trickle by. I didn't realize it at the time, but these were all the people that had started the race at the early start time. Then I was told we were still waiting for the actual racing runners to pass through.

Finally, we saw the front of the race, and it was awesome! There were 2 police-motorcycle escorts, along with a patrol car, and then there was the racing truck with the digital clock rolling the time. All of this was in front of the first racer, just pacing him. I thought that was cool. This guy had a good lead, but there was still 6 more miles to go. I'm not sure how the race played out or if he was the one to actually finish, but it was cool to see all the frontal action--something I will probably NEVER see again!!!

At this point, it became obvious who the racers were. They were running at a much quicker speed than the other folks. I was surprised at how fresh they looked. They didn't look to me like they had just run 20 miles in the pouring ran with 6 miles left to go. I must say that it was refreshing to see their faces. In my training group, I never was in the front of the crowd. I always had a rear-view of the runners as they passed me...and then before long, they were gone completely, and I was eating their dust.

As the steady flow of runners passed by, we cheered and offered encouragement. I only recognized one runner out of everyone who passed by. Did I tell you that it was cold and rainy? There was also lightening and thunder, with a little bit of hail. It was bitter nasty cold. When I first began cheering, I shed a tear or two off and on. I really was sad that I wasn't out there in all the action. A few hours later, I was still sad, but also thankful that I wasn't out there in these conditions for my first marathon. It was miserable! One lady stopped and asked if I could help get her gloves up because they were falling down. I barely touched her hands, and it was painful to her because they were frozen.

When I had drove by earlier, I didn't see any crowds of people cheering the runners. In fact, I didn't see anyone at all. It had to have been a very long, lonely route because people REALLY perked up when they saw us,4 people and 3 dogs, standing in a u-haul truck.

On one hand I was glad not to be suffering so...on the other hand, I know there is this special feeling of accomplishment that you feel after you've finished a task that was exceptionally brutal or more intense than normal. When these people crossed the finish line today, yes...they would be miserable, but they would feel SO GREAT knowing that they completed a VERY difficult task.

Finally, after 3 1/2 hours of cheering, it was time to wrap it up. The owners needed to get on to other things, and there was no way I was going to stand out in the rain with nothing. So... I decided to follow the race to the finish line. I found a parking spot and made my way to the Finish. I was surprised at the lack of cheering. There was a miked announcer, but other than that, it was a dreary crowd. I think everyone was just wet, cold, and miserable.

I stayed for 2 seconds, and then hopped back in my nice warm vehicle. I drove around a little while longer, just pondering over the days events before heading back home. One thing is for sure: I definitely want to do the race next year!